The emotional roller coaster hit the tippy-top yesterday when we went to the funeral for my mother-in-law. The emotions filled our eyes as we were at the gravesite burying her ashes. The mixed emotion of laying ashes underground is always perplexing to my soul. I understand our souls live on but the concept of burying a loved one in the earth is a weird concept to me.

This was a very emotional beginning of the day for my husband. As we proceeded on to the memorial service at our church, I was beyond grateful for the women who put it all together. Their gracious hands helped make the room look incredible and the food taste delectable. It is a blessing to truly have a church step up and be the body of Christ as we are supposed to be. This was a true testament to our faith and church!

My husband was filled with sadness as we observed the photos and displays all around the room while they prepped the slideshow and music before the service started. It was a reality check to have my husband burry his mother and realize his estranged parents are no longer with us. This past month has brought years of history to surface and questions longing to be answered that no longer will hold an answer. The confusion, anger, hurt and sadness fills his broken soul.

Before the service began, we met an incredible amount of family that we never knew existed let alone lived in our backyard. They are all incredibly nice but what does it all mean? What relationships will form, if any? Are they willing to reach out and be there as family should? Why hadn’t they in the past? The questions fill our minds as the overwhelming meet-and-greet took place. The service itself was well done and emotional. The hard part for us as the new comers, is the fact that her career was the most important thing to her. My husband longed for a piece of that importance. Longed to know her as her co-workers did and longed for her to be his mother for years prior. This longing and desire is no longer able to be met. The hardship of hearing the stories sunk to the pit of our tummies as colleague upon colleague shared stories.

The bad comes with the good. We had three months of really good conversations and getting to know one another on a deeper level, but three months compared to a life time is a blink of an eye. The past 35 years flashed before my husbands eyes posing a lot of pain and heartache that he is left to figure out. This has been a complex puzzle for him and we long to finish it so our kids do not have to travel the same path. Breaking generational sin, hurt and abandonment is our utmost desire.

Although we are incredibly grateful for the three months, it’s been anything but easy. Praying for a difference and healing in my husband is the deepest desire for me as his wife. Knowing I can do absolutely nothing but pray for him is a difficult task but a refreshing task. God has it under control and it’s not my control!

As the days proceed, I hope healing comes and I hope relationships continue. We will see what lies ahead and hope the Lord brings grace upon is as this past three months and more so the past month has been utterly exhausting.

Moment of Truth: I’m learning to grasp the reality of “now” rather than past and future. Holding to what is current and rolling with the punches will help calm the storm we’ve entered and are hoping to be exiting now. As the days progress and my husband deals with the new “normal,” I pray I have the words and wisdom to provide when necessary.