Tag Archives: pain

Funeral Service

Posted by Delightfully Doable on 30 April, 2014 1 comments

The emotional roller coaster hit the tippy-top yesterday when we went to the funeral for my mother-in-law. The emotions filled our eyes as we were at the gravesite burying her ashes. The mixed emotion of laying ashes underground is always perplexing to my soul. I understand our souls live on but the concept of burying a loved one in the earth is a weird concept to me.

This was a very emotional beginning of the day for my husband. As we proceeded on to the memorial service at our church, I was beyond grateful for the women who put it all together. Their gracious hands helped make the room look incredible and the food taste delectable. It is a blessing to truly have a church step up and be the body of Christ as we are supposed to be. This was a true testament to our faith and church!

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My husband was filled with sadness as we observed the photos and displays all around the room while they prepped the slideshow and music before the service started. It was a reality check to have my husband burry his mother and realize his estranged parents are no longer with us. This past month has brought years of history to surface and questions longing to be answered that no longer will hold an answer. The confusion, anger, hurt and sadness fills his broken soul.

Before the service began, we met an incredible amount of family that we never knew existed let alone lived in our backyard. They are all incredibly nice but what does it all mean? What relationships will form, if any? Are they willing to reach out and be there as family should? Why hadn’t they in the past? The questions fill our minds as the overwhelming meet-and-greet took place. The service itself was well done and emotional. The hard part for us as the new comers, is the fact that her career was the most important thing to her. My husband longed for a piece of that importance. Longed to know her as her co-workers did and longed for her to be his mother for years prior. This longing and desire is no longer able to be met. The hardship of hearing the stories sunk to the pit of our tummies as colleague upon colleague shared stories.

The bad comes with the good. We had three months of really good conversations and getting to know one another on a deeper level, but three months compared to a life time is a blink of an eye. The past 35 years flashed before my husbands eyes posing a lot of pain and heartache that he is left to figure out. This has been a complex puzzle for him and we long to finish it so our kids do not have to travel the same path. Breaking generational sin, hurt and abandonment is our utmost desire.

Although we are incredibly grateful for the three months, it’s been anything but easy. Praying for a difference and healing in my husband is the deepest desire for me as his wife. Knowing I can do absolutely nothing but pray for him is a difficult task but a refreshing task. God has it under control and it’s not my control!

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As the days proceed, I hope healing comes and I hope relationships continue. We will see what lies ahead and hope the Lord brings grace upon is as this past three months and more so the past month has been utterly exhausting.

Moment of Truth: I’m learning to grasp the reality of “now” rather than past and future. Holding to what is current and rolling with the punches will help calm the storm we’ve entered and are hoping to be exiting now. As the days progress and my husband deals with the new “normal,” I pray I have the words and wisdom to provide when necessary.

 

Thought of the day

Posted by Delightfully Doable on 14 April, 2014 None comments

This song was on the radio this morning and im not sure who sings it but the words held in my head for a bit. “Make me lonely so I can be yours until I want no one more then you Lord. In the darkness I know you hold me.”…boy has this been utterly true. Almost too true I didnt want to face this reality.

It’s interesting that this world is so horrible at times, yet even in the midst of the pain we still pray to stay alive. But why? Wouldn’t it be easier to all quit and go to heaven and avoid all the pain? This was my thought as I slowly begin to process this past week. Even though the three of us went through it all together, I believe my fear was selfishly driven from fear of losing my son and being left behind. The tough reality in knowing that he is ultimately the Lords child is a wake up call in the midst of tragedy. This was a trusting moment as I was in the hospital pleading with the Lord to not take my son away. This was a moment of trust, a moment of insecurity, and a moment of doubt.

Do I believe the Lord will hold all things together for the good of those who love Him? To be honest I am still struggling with that thought, had he taken my son away from me I do not know how I would feel. I want to trust the Lord in every aspect of life, but when your faced with life and death, is your faith in your son or in the Lord? I pray that I never have to experience that brokenness but to simply learn to be thankful for what I have today.

Moment of Truth: I pray that I will learn through the present circumstances to be thankful for the life I have been given and the son I have been blessed with.

Raw Emotions

Posted by Delightfully Doable on 11 April, 2014 1 comments

Many of you know my mother-in-law passed away this last Monday evening. My husband has had quite the journey with her the past three months and decided to be a guest speaker for me while she share the feelings and emotions through losing a loved one. Not only losing a loved one, but someone who was young and a mother, wife, sister, grandma and someone who had years left to live.

My husband is taking this journey with us and sharing the last two weeks of what he has gone through. Please welcome my dear husband Michael!

I am sitting here with the craziest of emotions. Up then down, down then up. I cried and cried and cried yesterday, thinking that my mother was on the cusp of dying within a few hours. I drove home from work to pick Tiffany and Cooper up to head to the pain management care facility for hospice, dreading what we would encounter; a lifeless person without saying goodbye. Lucky for us, she was still with us and without all the pain she had been enduring for days. She was completely sedated and convulsing as we weren’t sure if she was going to make it through another night, let alone hear what we had to say. I finally went into the room and sat down and just sobbed for minutes, telling her I was so sorry for what she is going through, telling her that it’s okay to let go and that there is something better for her outside of her earthy body. I also had a chance to speak with her without any filter and through raw emotion on what thirty year five years of my life meant to me and how she has been a part of it and how she shaped me into who I am today. Although she didn’t know it, she had shaped me in many ways even throughout the past 27 years we hadn’t spoke. I know there has been a couple years of bad history between her and I when she reconnected with me, but through all the pain, I wanted to let her know that I forgave her and that I loved her very much and appreciated the life that she provided me.

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Her poor body has been taken over by cancer. She looks ENTIRELY different now than before cancer took over. This shows you how deadly it truly is. :(

What I have today is simply because she gave me life. As of more recent, I have come to a point in understanding what love truly means. I guess I never showed it nor truly spoke love to my mother when we reconnected 5 years ago because as of that night while she laid helpless in the hospital bed with machines connected all over her poor body, she whispered in my ear “I thought you said I am a terrible person.” One of the only things she said to me while her body was shutting down. What a shockwave to think that’s the way she believes I feel about her. Sure I have had my anger outbursts with her, sent abrasive emails and had terrible phone calls. Yes, all out of hurt and anger for so many things that have happened to me over the years. My selfish being got the best of me to the point that I couldn’t see anything further than my hurt and my pain that I have endured. I never chose to see that she had made peace with everything in her life and that there was nothing else she could do after all these years. I finally came to the realization a few weeks ago after an email response she sent me explaining and apologizing for her role in what had happened to me; that she was truly sorry. I heard those words she whispered to me yesterday and realized that she still thought I had this chip on my shoulder towards her and what has transpired, yet I felt quite the opposite about her and the past. It’s done…. She has gone through enough in her life and has earned the respect of everyone she now encounters. She deserves the peace and happiness that we all seek in life, the unfortunate thing for me, is that it took her dying to realize what that meant and why each one of us are a blessing and can do so much for one another. It’s a breath of fresh air, it’s that feeling you have towards your loved ones and it’s your life itself. She needs to know my love for her and respect for her apart from the mistakes we ALL make in life. We need to step back for a moment and reflect on times like these and simply be thankful for one another because that’s all we have; one another. In a quick blink of an eye, you may never have that opportunity again, live your life to the fullest, loving and caring for the relationships that surround you.

If anything, her death has and will continue to change my life and change me for the good. If I don’t let this happen, I am simply taking her name in vein. We must step up and do something with the relationships that surround us for them to mean anything. Don’t waste your life.

Tomorrow I will be sharing a poem that struck me to the core while at hospice watching my mother helpless in bed. A poem that meant so much to me and taught me how to slow down. Soak in the moment that we have without all the questions and “what ifs.” Please join me again tomorrow as I continue to share a little bit about what I am learning through the death of my second parent. It’s a journey alright, and one I am willing to share!