My mother-in-law passed away this past Monday at 5:05 pm at the ripe age of 60. The phone call I dreaded for months that was about to hit, finally hit and hit hard. The reality that you simply can’t prepare to lose someone is a cold, slap in the face. I wasn’t too sure what to expect and how it all would unfold and unfortunately, I became the bearer of bad news. I was the one responsible to tell my husband and I was the one responsible on deciding when it would be best to deliver this news.
Being the keeper of this knowledge for almost 2 hours before he got home was extremely painful. I kept a smile on my face as much as possible for my sweet little son that has no clue what’s going on except a lot of crying from mommy and daddy the past five days….and now this! He is incredible but unfortunately he knows something is wrong but can’t express it; sweet child.
At the hospital trying to entertain my son…
My husband was late from work, walked in the door and I lost it. I apologized over and over for the bad news I was bringing but explained that I didn’t know how else to release it. I was positive a phone call wasn’t going to be good, finding out at work wasn’t a good idea and lastly, I didn’t want him driving after finding out either. The emotions welled up inside him and tears began to flow. My sweet husband had just lost his second parent at the ripe age of 35.
My poor husband!!!
How does one manage these feelings, how do you compartmentalize the sweet sorrow and release of her passing away? Bringing him back to foster care and being a young boy weeping for his mommy when he found out his daddy had passed away is right where he is today. 27 years later weeping and mourning the loss of his father and now his mother. The painful tears steam down his face.
Today he expressed to me the pain he is feeling and the continual reminder of feeling utterly numb just as he did sitting on the top bunk bed while in foster care when his daddy died. The tearful moments that fill his soul randomly and without warning break my heart. Knowing I am helpless and can not take away the pain is excruciatingly hard. These are moments of utter helplessness. Being present and loving on him only goes so far; this is years of pain and lack of relationship that has come to a head. He will never get another moment of time spent with her until he reaches heaven. The reality of this is very sobering. His hard shell has such a tender inside. He has had to learn how to get through life without ANY guidance bringing about that tough outer shell, but when you reach the middle, and rarely people do, he is a tender soul full of gooey emotion. :)
Day two has been difficult and more of a reality than day one. Yesterday we spent the entire day with Marlin, her husband. We were by his side grieving together. It was good for all of us but somehow the days keep ticking by and reality to deal with the pain sets in. How to begin the healing process is entirely different from her husband, sisters, and friends. Everyone in their own way has to deal with the loss her life. But my husband has to deal with the loss her for a second time. The first time he lost her was 27 years ago when placed in foster care, the pain and emotion that stems from that is insurmountable. Then three months ago being brought back into her life to only loose her just over three months later is a painful experience as well. What he had these last three months was incredible but it got torn from him in an instant begging for numerous questions to be answered that never will.
Here we are today and I am trying to hold on to the last moments we shared together as a family knowing a new life is beginning. What that looks like is entirely unknown. There is a whole family out there that we have never known or been apart of. How will this look, will relationships continue? Only time can lead us and guide us in the steps we currently walk. I beg the Lord for healing for my husband; peaceful healing. I also ask for a life that he can pinpoint back to this very moment knowing it changed his life forever and for the good.
Moment of Truth: Our God is powerful and I ask for His will to be done in our lives. I know it is painful, but through the ashes brings beauty. We often can’t learn and grow without trials of this life. I pray for my husband’s soul to be tender towards the Lord and not harness anger and bitterness. Lord, bring an incredible life for my husband to walk knowing where he came from! ~Amen
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