Tag Archives: heartache

Insecurity and Doubt

Have you ever had a moment where you quickly judged a stranger and immediately found yourself not liking them? You have no basis for this, but you tend to quickly judge someone for their fashion, or lack there of. Or quickly call someone a jerk because they cut you off in traffic. Maybe this person was at the park with their kids and let their child steal a toy from yours. Do you find yourself judging the “unlovable?”

I completely found myself in the midst of my own insecurity while judging this gal at Starbucks earlier this week with my son. I found myself to be a frumpy ol’ housewife with no sense of fashion. This gal mind you, was on a lunch break in a skirt and heels while I on the other hand was having a cleaning day at home with workout clothes and tennis shoes. No need to get all dressed up to clean the house and weed my garden right? But in the same breath, I thought to myself how I must go home and shower immediately and get all dressed up to feel better about myself. But for what? I wasn’t going anywhere that day and this gal would not ever see me again. So why was I having these thoughts creep into my mind making me believe I am less of a person because I am in workout clothes and not all done up?

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Insecurity chose to take root for a few minutes and I let it. The thoughts distracted me from my son while we were on a mommy-son date getting treats together and watching all the cars, trucks and motorcycles speed by. My thoughts were not on him and what he was excited about while eating his little treat and speaking with his vast vocabulary. My poor baby was not the main priority until I finally realized my thoughts were not on heavenly things but on worldly distractions; comparing what I thought to be, my self-worth.

How often do you find yourself daydreaming of things that are not reality? Be sure to not let those things become a priority in your mind “while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:18) I’ve been reading 2 Corinthians this past week and while it’s easy to let our thoughts travel around, I realized that we are warned over and over to keep our eyes on Christ. This warning comes multiple times as a clear reminder that we are easily distracted from the bigger purpose.

Today, my purpose was not a purpose of discouragement, comparison, doubt or worthlessness but a purpose of things God has prepared for me on a daily basis. It took going down this rabbit trail to be reminded of what my purpose really was, rather then the lies I was choosing to believe. God has created a beautiful world around me full of life, His life. Yet I choose to believe a lie, a lie that if I allowed to take root, would lead to destruction.

Things I need to be reminded of: God has laid before me a beautiful scenery in my own backyard. A beautiful son filling my heart with joy. A husband and best friend whom I love dearly and share my life with. A home filled with comfort and joy. And most of all, Christ has filled me with His love and I simply choose on a minute by minute basis to receive it. And this my friends is our hope; Christ knows every step of the journey until we go home, home to heaven. 

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Moment of Truth: Christ calls us not to judge. We were not granted the sword to cut down and destroy but we often do so leaving our souls bared to those around us. They will often know what we are against rather than what we are for when we choose to pick up our sword of defense. I partook in this destructive action today and was  left feeling sad and more so embarrassed. I judged a heart I know nothing about and all due to my own insecurity. Lord, keep my heart pure and my motives for You alone.

Happiness

I keep hearing the phrase “I just want to be happy!” I’ve heard it and heard it and clearly have no words of wisdom to offer back. I can’t provide anyone’s happiness, I can’t make you happy let alone make myself happy. This phrase has hit me in a very peculiar way today…

I stand in the kitchen washing dishes and thinking aloud while praying in between my thoughts that are racing around wildly. I come to this realization that you can’t strive for happiness if you aren’t choosing to live in the happiness of today. You can hope and wish that the future will provide you happiness and your life will be full of happiness but in all reality, are you choosing to be happy in the present? These were my thoughts as I unloaded the dishwasher realizing most the dishes had not come clean. What does this mean for the person who simply wants to be happy? What does this look like while your mother-in-law is dying of cancer? What does this look like in the chaos of the day chasing tiny tots around? What does this look like in an unhappy marriage? What does this look like when finances simply aren’t there? Many of us relate to one of these issues, if not more.

I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have most the answers and in fact, lets be completely honest, I have NO answers. All I know is that I can’t wish happiness upon my future if I can’t accept the happiness of the day. Everyday, no matter how bad it is, has something to rejoice about. I can tell you this honestly as the last three years has been brutal. My husband and I have been in the fire in ALL aspects of life; marriage, job, kids, health, family, finances, friendships, house problems, faith and personal growth. Life is NOT easy and was never promised to be easy, yet we constantly pry for happiness without being thankful for the moment.

Although these past three years have been extremely difficult I still have a lot to be thankful for. My family is healthy, my marriage is still together, my son is an amazing boy, we have a job, we have finances, we have a house, we have one another, we have cars to drive and food to eat. These are only a few things but life can’t proceed without the basics; family and friends. If you have the basics, begin there.

One day, maybe our eyes will be opened to the pain Christ has spared us from. Yup, even in hardship I know God has spared us from even greater pain that the enemy longs to place upon me and my family. My husband said it today “we hit the edge of the cliff thinking there’s no where else to turn, you must jump. Just as you recognize that there is nothing left, God releases a little bit of hope. Enough to get you through the next minute, hour, and day. Just when life seems completely hopeless, God gives that small ray of hope.”

Thanks to theminimalist.com

Thanks to theminimalist.com

Unfortunately, sin and evil are apart of this world which in turn brings about heartache and pain. Watching my mother-in-law battle for her life against the raging war of cancer has been extremely difficult. Her life is hanging on by a thread and yet she still smiles, she still jokes, and she still has positive talk flow from her lips. I don’t know how she does it! I do know God is faithful and for those watching her battle and fight everyday, I know God is working in our lives as well. What this looks like is incredibly unknown, but there are glimpses of hope, there are moments of happiness and there are moments of peace. So how then, do we obtain happiness when life is falling apart around us?

Dear friends, God is working and he is working in the lives of each of us on so many different levels. For example, I watch my broken husband hang on to the current relationship he has with his mother while years past seem wasted. Battling his mind of hurt and anger from heartache in his childhood that haunts him today while he faces his mom sick in bed. The compassion he feels for her is incredible, the sadness overflows his soul, yet years of pain still reside deep within. “I just want to be happy!” the phrase comes up again. How do people be happy with a life that is so hard and painful? Friends, Christ didn’t promise us happiness, he promised us hope and future! What more than can we ask for? We have our hope and happiness at our fingertips yet we hang extremely loosely as the questions flood our mind; fear and doubt set in. We don’t need all the answers we need to grasp tightly to the hope  we have and live our lives full of the promises God has already given. These past three years have been beyond what I could ever imagine yet I still find myself learning that Christ is who He says he is. I have nothing to fear! Although I know this concept, I battle it everyday.

So, my dear friends, if you want the magic key to happiness my answer to you all is simply to live in the happiness of what you have been given today no matter the circumstances. Do NOT dwell on the pain, the heartache or the past! Live today with the glass half full rather than craving a future full of happiness, it’s here and ready for you today, not later. I tell you this from experience while I still learn each day to cling to the moments I am given. It’s not easy but it is possible.

Moment of Truth: Live in the now, rejoice in what you have!