Could it be my thyroid, anorexia, cancer, hormones, or more? The dreadful word “cancer” is not something you want mentioned while sitting for two hours at the doctors office waiting for your blood to be drawn…

“It could be cancer” my Doctor mentions along with the dreadful fact that she doesn’t know what is wrong with me. The continual battle of losing 4-6 pounds on a biweekly basis has been not only a scary thing for my husband and I but also for my son whom I breastfeed.

The long drawn out process for the last year has been way more than anticipated. I figured having a child would be the biggest hump and moving forward would be the recovery process. For most people yes, but for me, it’s another story. Having the HELLP syndrome during delivery (if you haven’t read my birthing story, click here) has literally changed my life. Fourteen months later, many doctors’ appointments, blood work, stress, and constant weight problems have worn my body thin. I’ve seen many doctors, had many medical bills and much time spent “wasted” in the office while trying to entertain my little son.

One of the first appointments in January was when my thyroid was off. I’ve never had issues with my thyroid but the more I found out, the more I was told it could be temporary and some women get post thyroid issues that do end up resolving themselves. The follow up appointment two weeks later resulted in my thyroid levels being normal; this confusing factor forced my doctor to send me to a specialist. She was very concerned that the weight kept falling off while we were in search of the real solution. In the meantime I had been keeping a food diary documenting my 3,000-3500 calorie diet a day. The issues clearly weren’t because I wasn’t eating enough, so in the meantime I was sent to a nutritionist to help eat a healthy diet while hoping to gain weight or at minimum, maintain. Having my son with me made attending doctor appointments not so easy, so I kept putting off the nutritionist as my main focus was to find out if I was dying of cancer.

I wound up at my general physicians office as it was taking way too long for OHSU to get me scheduled for an appointment. While at her office she did explain that many things could be happening in my body especially when a lot of trauma occurs. This conversation became harder and harder as I sat with her going over many options. She was very candid with me and said cancer unfortunately could be something that may be attacking everything good in my body causing me to lose weight so quickly. While my son is sitting in the stroller playing with some toys I tried to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks. This sweet baby boy and my husband would be my motivation to fight anything that came my way. Having a husband who lost his father as a young boy makes me very cautious as to preventing to the best of my ability that my son wouldn’t experience the same thing, and that my husband wouldn’t experience another extreme loss. Ultimately knowing I don’t have the power and control, I do know the only thing I could do, would be to have a good outlook and do any treatments possible.

Now, we don’t want to jump the gun here, we don’t even know if this is something that is happening but let me start by saying NO ONE ever wants to have the beginning conversations to this topic. Why would I be any different? What would keep me from getting this deadly disease? These are questions I began to think about. I don’t really remember having this conversation with my husband immediately. I didn’t even tell him what was going on because I didn’t want to bring worry over nothing. A couple weeks went by as I was waiting for my blood results. They tested EVERYTHING possible in my blood. What a blessing, my blood work came back great.

“Healthy as an ox” says the Doctor. Well, that’s what we like to think. Now the reality is my weight loss still hadn’t been figured out. I’ve had extreme stressors the last year but at the same time I’ve kept a food diary that is pretty consistent, my blood work has come back normal for the most part so what could be going on. Well, a couple months passed throughout the beginning stages of the first doctor appointments and I found a lump under my chin. Was this the answer, was this the ongoing problem and I finally found it? I had my husband feel it and he was mortified how big it was and how it just poked out under my chin. Back to the doctors again……

This time, the doctor felt it and without a question said it was a lymph node. Now this isn’t always a positive thing to hear either. The reality is I had this lump for a few months before I realized it could be a problem.  When we couldn’t figure out my weight loss, I began to wonder if there was a correlation. She said to watch it for a month, sometimes when you fight a cold they can swell. I explained that this hasn’t changed in size; maybe bigger, but definitely not smaller. This grew a slight concern to her, but not enough to get an immediate ultrasound. So, I watched it, and watched it. Still nothing has changed. Now, this time I didn’t want to go back because an ultrasound would tell me if I need to worry. I put off going for quite some time until my husband finally expressed his concern and desire to simply know the answer. I made the appointment and of course with my luck they had to give me another referral to head to yet another location for the ultrasound. Now at this point, I am beyond exhausted and truly don’t want to mess with it anymore. This doctor reassured me it was probably nothing and that the main reason why I found it was due to the extreme weight loss. With my chipmunk cheeks previously I wouldn’t have noticed it but because of the ongoing issues she still advised the ultrasound.

Here we are 14 months after my delivery and 9 months since the beginning of all the doctor appointments and I still haven’t fulfilled the ultrasound. My last appointment definitely made me feel more confident that nothing was going on and simply the weight loss has made things more noticeable on my body.

All of this to say, I have had ongoing issues, but my biggest goal has been at minimum, maintain my weight and if possible put some pounds on. I’ve considered that my body may think this is the new “normal,” so I am accepting this fact while being cautious that I can lose weight very quickly and that this is something to be aware of and to conquer.