Never Once

This song was so emotional for me as in the loneliest moments of my life I feel utterly and completely alone. I don’t know how to begin to express the battle I am in, it’s physically, emotionally and mentally draining. “I am not alone!” I murmur to myself. I haven’t fully grasped that!

I remember when I was in 8th grade we went to Gettysburg and saw the battlefield. I have placed myself there many times the last two weeks; seeing the grave sites, the history that remained while looking upon a real battlefield. The eerie feeling of seeing history unfold before my eyes. Why does life literally place us in our own battlefield? Nothing is more scary than being on the front lines. Scared to take the steps unsure which step will lead you to victory or a hidden grenade, I long to seek the Commander in Chief for the direction of victory as he holds more knowledge on the field than I of course have. We are his officers and our job is to follow his instruction.

The fog settles in, so does a deep fear of what lies ahead. Trusting the voice of the commander while unable to see him. The fog grows thicker, faith must sink deeper. There is no turning back, the battle has begun and there is only two options: fight it out, or lay down and die.

If you trust your commander you will trust he will lead you to victory. In the midst of the battle you have no option but to trust. If you refuse to do so, you are fighting a losing battle, holding back the other officers around you while you question the truth; the enemy is encroaching and time is running out.

I feel this is the battle I am in right now; directly on the front lines, wrestling with the enemy, fighting for my life. Arrows being thrown, persecuting me for my faith, falling down while horses trample over my body, scrambling to my feet I gasp for breath. Attempting to stand and catch my balance but yet another arrow darts my way, I throw myself to the ground in avoidance. Why can’t I just gather the scene and press pause on the horses racing past me, arrows flying, and the enemy trying to take my life. I’m learning in the midst of the battle there is no time for pause, the enemy is out to win and conquer and take our victory. We fight until the fight is won or we surrender in shame. I will not give up, I will trust my commander through the thick and thin no matter if I can see him. I have to trust he is out there directing the way.

Maybe the fog isn’t so bad after all, maybe it keeps my focus on the next step rather than the multitudes ready to attack. I come across a large rock now and again allowing for brief moments of relief but not for long, simply enough to keep my strength running. I get back up and attack the arrows that fly my way, prepared with my helmet of truth and waistband of salvation. “My feet will carry me home, home to victory” I say aloud. The battle will be conquered but it was never stated how long it would last. I stand in confidence, not cowering down to the enemy giving him authority to take my life. I will fight this battle no matter the cost.

My commander is Christ and he is leading me to victory. Most the times it’s through very thick fog, forcing me to stand tall as I take each individual step knowing I have to trust the steps I am about to take. He will guide me and I will listen. If I don’t, the fog will disorient me and I will wind up dead directly in the middle of the battlefield.

I find myself calling out to Christ “How much longer? I trust you! Please hear my cries! End this battle. I want to gain victory and move ahead. Please Lord, let it be today!” I find myself pleading with the Lord, wrestling my own battle of trust, “Is He leading me to victory? Is there an end in sight?”

I find myself realizing that is the essence of trust. Faith in the unseen. If we saw what was to lie ahead we would sit cowardly in the corner preventing the battle to even begin;fearful for our lives. Will the arrows pierce me? Will I be trampled by the enemy? We would plead with the commander begging “please, please let me sit on the sidelines for this one battle.” Yet it wouldn’t be this one battle, it would be every battle we were to fight; fearful for our lives, we would rather quit than even try. We would change our steps in a heartbeat to avoid learning and conquering the battle that has great purpose for our lives. We would hide on the sidelines and our history would remain stagnant with no purpose. It would simply be wasted.

Never Once