The fear pierced my heart to the core when I received a message “can we call you and Michael at 6:30 tonight?” I knew instantly that something was horribly wrong. Never receiving that type of message with out a preface that everything is okay, not to worry. I immediately flushed with fear as I was trying to gather my bearings while Cooper joyously played in his highchair with finger paint. Immediately he gathered something wasn’t right with his mama and he became more aware of his surroundings. Finally I calmed myself down making a mental note that I couldn’t change the circumstances; what I was going to hear 4 hours from now was absolutely out of my control.

My husband came home late as he usually does these days. I had dinner ready and waiting and my little man scurried around the room with a playful tone running from his mouth. The call came and instantly mommy and daddy hit the floor, gasping for air. What we had previously known had changed history forever. This was not a change for the good. The aftermath is now currently rippling down to the many people who would drastically become affected by this one choice. Life forever was changing as we knew it.

Cooper glanced up now and again with a gigantic smile upon his face while moments of confusion began to set in. He would take long breaks to be held by his mama to feel security that even while the tears were flowing everything would still be okay. He longed for comfort and peace. Normality is what embraced our little child while he knew nothing more than simply wanting normalcy. Desiring to place this precious child into bed, we couldn’t take a break at that present moment. Hind sight it always 20/20, he should have been in bed before the call.

Going to bed was not an easy task for me as everything I knew was going to change dramatically and would  never be the same again. Fear seeped in. I rebuked it the best I could under the utter shock that has filled my body. Cool sweats woke me from a restless sleep an hour later, “was this a bad dream” I would plead with the Lord? “How do we begin to heal and move forward?” The questions pierced my heart to the inner most being. I woke my husband up in utter fear longing to be comforted while his irritation of his deep sleep had just been shaken. We held one another close as we hoped and prayed for the best. The hours drug on while I laid awake, bleeding from the pain I couldn’t control.

My heart aches as life continually battles around us, the war is raging and we seem to have a massive mountain ahead waiting to be climbed. I guess we must choose to climb this mountain no matter how steep, how cold, how dangerous it becomes; this mountain was in our cards we call life even though we pleaded against it. No way around, we must climb and keep climbing.

Climbing Saint Helens 

This “God” we say we believe in sometimes seems to be silent. When life rages around us we tend to think God will be there immediately reaching down to save us from the pit. Unfortunately, I continue to learn that simply because life is messy and ugly, God is still with us no matter the circumstance but we still have to fight our way out. Choices were made, consequences follow. Sometimes it takes climbing that mountain to learn the grace of God. I must tell you, I have struggled myself in wondering why God seems to be silent when I feel I need him the most. The reality is He is there waiting to pick me up and strengthen me when I feel I can’t take another breath.  He truly gives me the strength to battle the continual news that is never ending.

I long for the chapter to end to only find that the sequel is waiting to begin. This book is one of the longest books I’ve yet to read or shall I say live. Just when you think it’s over, the pages keep on writing. This story we call life is a never ending book. I believe we all could write an extraordinary series on life that would reach an extensive audience but what’s at the end of the chapter? Are lessons learned, does it end in tragedy, heartache, heartbreak or is this a book that everyone can learn from and say with confidence that this life was well lived and well received no matter the heartache that came?

It seems lately tragedy has hit and hit hard, but I must say there is hope. There are positive and exciting times in life as well. Unfortunately, you are all on this journey with me and this is right where I am…..in the midst of climbing the mountain, looking up at the finish line keeping my eyes on the prize.

Moment of truth: We must experience trial for our souls to be refined and become more like Christ. Keep fighting the fight; persevere.