The knots begin to form in the pit of my tummy, racing butterflies through my heart and a hint of nausea running through my brain. This is what I call Fear. I have such a problem with being fearful that it can paralyze me if I allow it. I have to catch myself and talk through the feelings welling up inside me. I’ve spoke previously that everybody is driven by fear on some level or another but some people (ie ME) struggle with it on a frequent basis.

Today was a beautiful Autumn day as I began packing for our five day extravaganza or shall I say, the family reunion while we all join to celebrate the life of my grandma as she passed away this last week. I love my grandma dearly and my heart is sad for us left behind but I have confidence she is with my grandpa and Jesus waiting for us all to join her in heaven.

With that said I have been prepping and getting excited to head out and see the family this evening. I have had many conversations with my husband about my fear and just as he has things that drive him in one direction or another, fear is a frequent conversation. He simply doesn’t understand the depths of my struggle, nor do I expect him to, but we are on completely different ends of the spectrum. This is where grace and understanding are required in a marriage. It’s interesting how we all have triggers that make us want to run from a conversation and our defenses pick up immediately. Have you ever thought how our brain can process thousands of thoughts in less than five seconds and our reactions come before we even have the chance to think if it’s the right reaction or not. It actually is a fascinating concept. Needless to say, in the middle of a conversation with my husband this afternoon, we were joking around and within seconds, literally seconds, the defenses came up. Sometimes we think it comes from left field, but we all know our triggers and our spouse’s triggers as well. Even though I approached him in a very respectful manner, his immediate reaction was defensive and then moments of silence.

The frustration now presently taking over my body, “I approached him respectfully, quietly, and honestly, why the heck is he reacting,” I think to myself. As I go on with my day, I have this unsettled feeling residing inside me, even though I am trying to move on and not let him affect my response. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t quite shake the feeling, the fear was not only bubbling up inside me; it was a raging boil. I had to calm myself wondering why it had that extreme effect on me. I began to realize God is in control of our circumstances whether they are good or bad, he is in control and allows everything to proceed through his hands. EVERYTHING that touches our lives, he has already approved it. When I thought that through, my fear began to be stilled, the quiet waters as I previously known as a raging boil just seconds ago. I know I have to trust the Lord in ALL THINGS, so if I truly believe that, than my response needs to leave my fear in the hands of my Heavenly Father. I am responsible for my actions from that moment forward, not his.

I’m not claiming that this is an easy response, but it truly is amazing how God can quickly shake the fear inside me. Fear is not from the Lord, and it has a strong hold on my life that I am in the process of releasing. I’ve been in the midst of the fire with my fear for honestly, a couple years. I’ve had fear all my life, but the last couple years have really ignited the fire to unleash full force. Due to my husband respectfully talking this through with me, I have been standing face to face that this does have a control on my life that is not healthy. I am a clay pot being molded, we all are. It does not happen overnight, a beautiful pot takes time to be refined and fill in the cracks; don’t’ we all want to be moldable and teachable? This was the reality of my fear today.

Moment of Truth:

Psalms 91