As we were released from the hospital it wasn’t simply because Cooper was better, it was because he was not nearly as dehydrated and reached a psychosis state that became dangerous for him. His age range can not comprehend what is happening around him, but he can comprehend enough that tells him he is scared and wants to go buh-bye.

His hallucinations were beyond terrifying for me. I am his mother and there was NOTHING I could do to calm my child down. This was a horrible feeling and a “bad mom” feeling as well. Knowing I wasn’t a bad mom, you feel that way in the moment because your job as his mommy is to rescue him from the unknown. As time progressed in the hospital we only saw these hallucinations become more frequent and lasting longer. It was definitely scary for us as we were utterly helpless.

On our drive home he was completely quite and exhausted. He refused sleep even than. This part confused me as I knew he had been awake for 36 hours now; why wont he sleep? The combination of dehydration and lack of sleep only made this worse. Hoping once we reached home he would start to feel safe once again.

I laid him to sleep only for him to wake back up 2 hours later with another episode. My wishes that these were over were everything but true. At that moment I was beyond desperate and extremely tired myself, the only thing I knew to calm his little soul was to place him in the car and drive. After driving around aimlessly for an hour and a half I finally came home. The many stops while on our drive was anywhere and everywhere to continue to force liquids down his little mouth. He hated it so much that actually keeping him strapped in his car seat was helpful for me. It was beyond sad to have to “pin him down” to get fluids in him, but it was way better than living in the hospital another day.

Having to give him 10 syringes an hour took up the entire hour. As soon as I reached #10 I was so excited only to see the hour started all over again. Being home had its pluses but definitely was consumed with ONLY tackling him down to fill his little mouth with fluid. It was so horrible! He wanted to play so badly but had no energy to do so that he would get upset. It was so sad as a parent to watch this all unfold. Hoping for a good night sleep we had everything but that.

He proceeded to wake up every hour and a half and Michael had just come down with the terrible cold I had that caused Cooper’s hospitalization. It was a wretched night all over again and full of terrors. Finally, the morning approached and we were back to the syringe once again. He still wont drink fluids and I was confident we were not returning to the hospital due to dehydration. So, our day was consumed all over again.

Here we are day three home from the hospital and things are finally a little brighter. He slept through the night and decided to eat a donut hole and cake pops but still refuses liquid unless I syringe it. Not sure what this is all about but he lets me syringe him fluid but still refuses to sip on his own. It’s tiring. It’s time consuming. It has worn my patience immensely thin and it’s not his fault. My exhaustion has finally set in even after a decent night sleep last night that I found myself getting so irritated with Cooper this morning as he only wanted to be held.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to dress and shower when this takes place. Reminding myself that we are home, he’s eating a little even though it’s not healthy and he is allowing me to force fluids; I need not complain. After losing my patience while trying to blow dry my hair, I realized I am not delighting in what I had been yearning for; to be home and have a healthy little boy. Though he isn’t entirely healthy yet, he is on the upswing.

Moment of Truth: Reminding myself not to get caught up in the little things but to be grateful for the little things. AND I am entirely blessed that I have the bestest friend and sister to supply us with a couple dinners not leaving me to worry about such things.