I was remembering today of who I used to be. As a child all growing up I held so tightly to my mistakes. When I would get in trouble with my parents for some reason I could not forgive myself afterwards. I held on to the guilt and shame of my selfish desires not finding release even after my parents forgave me, hugged me and told me they loved me. Something deeply rooted in me simply couldn’t move past my worldly sin. It didn’t matter where or what we were doing, I held my attitude so closely it became my best friend. I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t seem to let go. I would ruin the entire day over something so small because “gosh darn-it I messed up so the day is ruined.” These were my thoughts and my actions as a small child.

Yes, this was me as a child!

I was a very determined child and still am very determined. My mother used to say “determination is a very good thing when used in the right way.” I would get so red in the face because clearly I wasn’t using it properly at the time.

Fortunately, what I know now is that I constantly mess up, say the wrong thing and put my wants above anyone else. Selfishness is rooted deep within all of us. I couldn’t grasp this concept when I was younger.

I’m not quite sure when I learned to let go of my sin, what’s been done is done and to let go and not ruin the rest of the day. Asking for forgiveness is the first step. To be honest I may have dealt with this since I was 26 years old. I’m not sure if getting pregnant or giving my life to Christ was that magical point in time. I do know they probably are correlated.

This previous memory had been forgotten, tucked away in one of the many boxes of life that was to be dealt with, moved on and left behind. Today it really hit me hard how deep our sin takes us and the choices that come from our sin. I’ve learned being married and having a child that I sin throughout the day as that is part of our “makeup.” The joy within this is the great peace and forgiveness Christ has lavished upon us. We are His children and He is ours. He is our Father! He forgives and forgets unlike us.

As I look back pondering these moments from my childhood, I am beyond thankful and blessed that when I lay my head on my pillow at night regretting the little battles I picked with Cooper or the attitude I struck up with my husband, I know I can forgive myself and allow a new day to come.  Letting go of my shame and guilt and most of all reminding myself that God forgives me and continue to learn how to accept this great gift. The joy of remembering this distance challenge that at one point controlled my life is now but a memory.

Moment of Truth: Take a piece of your past that you continue to struggle with and allow God to come in and wash it away. Forgive yourself knowing Christ has already forgiven you! Now that’s a blessing within itself.