It seems so natural to think about all the baby joys of pregnancy and laugh (maybe months later) at the thought of morning sickness. However, it seems that many people also struggle with the woes of tragedy in a pregnancy as well. I’ve known too many people in the last 6 months who have not only been pregnant and delivered healthy little ones but also those who’ve experienced tragedy. It breaks my heart as I see the hurt and pain they experience while waiting anxiously for their precious bundle. When that dream isn’t fulfilled my heart aches for them. I also have a couple friends who have even struggled to become pregnant while they see people like myself who had a “surprise” pregnancy. Watching “surprise” pregnancies do not help them with the feelings they experience within their own trials.

Trust! We have to trust that the Lord has a plan for all our precious babies out there; the ones that are born and the ones He takes home very early.

If you’ve read my pregnancy story you will understand that my pregnancy was super easy, but delivery was my nightmare come true. Here I am today, two blood transfusions later and I have a healthy little boy who is about to turn 18 months old and I myself am healthy again, so I think. I went in a couple days ago for my annual check up, refill my prescription and to get a flu shot. Unfortunately I experienced quite the surprise on Sunday before my appointment. I found out I had a miscarriage. The utter shock of emotions pulsing through my body was unexplainable. Tears of sadness flooded my eyes as my husband and I questioned what had just happened. The traumatic experience was definitely something I will never forget. Walking through the hallway at the Hospital after the news pierced my heart, I quietly look up at my husband and utter the words. We both walked stoically through the remainder of the white, cold hospital hallway to our car.

Not quite sure how to respond to the news as Sunday was very traumatic for our family and by Wednesday I was unsure what emotion to express as my assumptions had been affirmed. Since I believe life happens at conception, than the reality is I lost a precious child that would have been a brother or sister to Cooper. Knowing my baby was unable make it through a healthy pregnancy and is now in the lap of our Heavenly Father, comforted my soul.

The outcome hasn’t changed, I’m still very sad about our circumstances as my emotions are trying to paddle quickly to reality. Though I didn’t cry when the news was confirmed, is was not because I didn’t care but simply because the loaded sentence spoken to me, held life and death all in one short sentence. The power behind a miscarriage is much stronger than I had realized until now. I’ve known a few people who have gone through this tragedy but having gone through it myself, puts a huge perspective on the feelings that flooded my soul in this one short word. The questions, sadness, shock and cold feelings that are experienced became much more than words but a reality that I am no longer pregnant; I lost a child.

Being a mom and hearing the words of losing a child is unfathomable. I grasp my son in utter love and protection, wishing no harm to ever come upon him. I want to protect his soul even more than I had previously; if that is at all possible. Being a mother has placed a love inside me that I simply couldn’t obtain without having my son. You never know the depths of love you can hold for a child until you cradle them in your arms. The deep protection and fear you hold to guard their tiny heart is unimaginable. I’m blessed and thankful to experience these feelings. Having known what I am missing is more challenging but on the same hand brings complete love pouring on my son as I am blessed to have him.

Now had I been able to plan my own story for my life it would have played out a bit different: I would meet the man of my dreams, fall in love, get married, begin my beautiful family and live happily ever after.  The end!

Seems so simple and proper. Although this wasn’t my reality, it was a dream of mine since I was very young. The real life story played out as this: I got pregnant with a man I barely knew, rushed dating him to get to the nitty gritty of whether we loved one another or not. We fell in love in the process of my pregnancy, got married, and had Cooper John.

HOLD IT…..this isn’t the story I had wrote for my life, this wasn’t how it was supposed to play out. It was extremely difficult being pregnant and learning who my spouse was all at the same time. Logically my story seems to be the better of the two plans. We didn’t know one another so why didn’t I miscarry back then? Why now?

Hindsight is always 20/20. Had I not had Cooper when I did, I would be an entirely different person and in an entirely different place in life. As I recount what actually has played out in my life, Cooper was beyond a blessing and actually healed my own soul in many ways I would not have experienced without having him in the timeframe of which we conceived.  As hard as it has been to get pregnant out of wedlock, I must say I would NEVER go back and change the scenario as God has faithfully allowed my life to take the course in which it has. Through that, I’ve come to Christ, which has changed my lifestyle one hundred percent, I’ve been blessed with my adorable son, my now husband, and a life I would not hold had things happened any differently. I needed to become pregnant 2 years ago with Cooper for me to understand I have been blessed immensely. Timing was everything. Cooper was meant to come two years ago, not today.

With that in mind, we all wish our cards would play out differently to avoid heartache and tragedy, but I believe most circumstances in life bring us back to a dependence on Christ. Just as my story played out entirely different than I saw fit, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it. Now, I’m not saying that going through these things has been easy. Most of them have been beyond joyful, thankful, protected, and faithful circumstances even the tough ones; there’s still something to be thankful for in the midst of pain. I have peace and am thankful and confident knowing life brings immense trials but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

The bigger picture here is that there is ALWAYS a reason our story takes paths we never expected or wished we would travel. But God allows them in our life to keep us humble and to learn more about ourselves and His faithfulness. Sometimes we will gain a perspective as to why particular tragedies occur but often we don’t. I may never know why I had this miscarriage and that is okay. What I do know, is that God is faithful and will use it in my life in one aspect or another. I also know that God has blessed me with my already born child and my role as a mother is to guard and protect his heart. I’ve been given Cooper to take care of him and love him; this has to be my focus and my place of rest.

I heard it once said “cracks in the heart allow the light to shine through.” Most of life requires some heartache to see the light in the midst of the trial. Heartache brings perspective and allows the focus to be reassembled.

Thankful for my little bundle of complete joy. I love you Cooper John!!!

Moment of Truth: Rest in peace knowing you do not have to know all the answers. Trust that God loves you and is taking care of you. Rest in His peace and stop searching for answers that don’t fit the bigger picture.