After the catastrophe of being in the hospital with my son and the traumatic events of losing my mother-in-law, I’ve been worn to the bone. I feel lifeless and worthless. My body is craving for sleep and sanity to resume. 5 days of forcing fluids with a syringe has been extremely exhausting and beyond description. It doesn’t sound like a lot but it is and you will not understand this process until every hour of your day is surrounded by fluid flushing to avoid a return to the hospital.
I’ve officially reached the end of my sanity. My cap has blown, I’m resembling Mt Saint Helens. Volcanic ash and steam burst from the top of the mountain traveling a large distance. The ash is spreading upon everything along it’s way leaving behind the aftermath of a poor, despicable attitude. This is me; my patience has been worn down to the point that I have lost my patience with anything and everything in sight.
Typically, I find myself to be pretty patient, accepting and a go-with-the-flow kind of girl. I will truthfully admit this wasn’t who I used to be but I’ve adapted over time. I do not remember the last time I’ve lost my patience so bad that literally anything my husband or son do, I want to rip their heads off. (Not literally, but you get the picture) The frustration of my son and the comments that accompany my husband has left me with a sour taste in my mouth. So sour that all I want to do is dispute every noise the it uttered from their mouth.
The moment I react, I immediately regret my response and the anger that has consumed my body. Embracing my son in a tight hug and a kiss for his innocent little soul, I quickly embrace him full of remorse. Unfortunately, my husband can process what I am saying and takes the outlandish comments on a more personal level while once again leaving me full of remorse and wanting to snuggle with him on the couch while we watch mindless TV; yet I still can’t bring myself to stop. I have spent the last countless days trying to hold things together, keep the family together and be the strong anchor for everything that has taken place. I’ve realized being strong can only last so long, it’s not about how strong I can be, it’s about being the support they need while knowing being strong doesn’t always come in the form of perfection. I’ve also realized that being a mommy and wife is a job that can be very taxing. Everyone needs something from me and it is always at the same time and sometimes mommy and wifey can’t do it all. Sometimes mommy and wifey just wants to be me without the titles of solving everything.
This is all coming from the depths of my selfishness longing to escape when life keeps happening around me. I would never take away being a mommy or a wife as I LOVE the responsibility that comes with is, but for the first time, I’ve actually wanted an escape. What would my escape look like? I’m not too sure, because going on vacation would involve my family. Anything I truly enjoy, I enjoy doing with my family. So, this twisted perspective that I need a break isn’t actually accurate.
I went to the salon yesterday for a good three hours so give my son a break from me losing my patience second by second. By the end of the evening, I was at it again feeling guilty as a laid his little head to sleep after “yelling” all day. My husband received a good three hours of drama since he walked through the door after work. As we went to bed, I apologized ruthlessly knowing I am an idiot now and again. My family is what is important, I need them to make it through the day. They are my love and life and I do not wish it away. I love the laughter that takes place and the two boys running rampantly throughout the house banging toys and screaming for joy. My husband and son put a smile on my face even when I get to the point of being utterly impatient, they are what makes my family a family.
Realizing today is a new day and I can choose to respond from love and not from the brink of insanity is encouraging as life keeps up with the pace; never slowing down. Today I choose love, patience and enjoyment. I choose enjoyment not wanting to look back wishing I would have spent more time with the things that are important. Delighting in my family no matter the circumstances. They are there when life is happy, easy, hard and sad. They are what makes life go around!
Moment of Truth: We’ve all been there, having no patience to offer and a attitude of self-seeking. But when we look in the mirror at the end of the day what good came from it? Nothing! So, choose to delight in todays circumstances no matter what they bring. If you are in the hospital, forcing fluids, losing a parents, hating a job…..choose joy!