A cloud of insecurity raining over my head calling me Eeyore from Winning The Pooh. Head hung low, shaking my head from side to side trying to escape what this cloud is dropping upon me.
Is life hard, kind of, but not where it was the past three years. Or maybe that’s it…maybe that’s where it all comes from. These past three years of heavy downpour, torrential downpour finally gaining suns first bright beams. A flower bud popping through the surface as if the rain has finally let up. The clouds stay low from the evening dew but still the sun shines through.
These past 26 days have been a miracle. Truly a miracle. This has been my long awaited miracle for our family but why am I struggling to shake the weight from my shoulders? Why can’t I seem to pull myself from the covers in the morning that rest upon me allowing me to escape for a few hours. The sound of pessimism begins to fill my mind with things that do-not-matter.
I’ve prayed, fasted, yearned, pleaded and cried out to God on my face many times and God finally looked down upon me and showed His glory; He choose to lift my rain cloud and bless my family eternally. Though this miracle has eternal ramifications, our worldly hope and despair still press upon us leaving me feeling conquered but with Hope. Let me say that again, the hope of God with the weight of the worldly sin still pressed strongly upon me. God is present though we live in a sinful world. God doesn’t necessarily take circumstances away but shines through the circumstances producing a humble heart ready to glorify God no matter the pain. We long for God the most, in the midst of our “shattered dreams.”
Doubt. Fear. Insecurity. Rage. Pride. Anxiety. These all still reign in my head. How do I release the struggle of my flesh when I finally received this long awaited miracle after three long years of seeking God’s face? I’m beginning to understand, though 26 days later, that this rain cloud following me around is a rain cloud of repair. Repairing my soul, my trust and my hope. Putting the pieces back together of insecurity and doubt. Forcing me to go that extra step saying “God, I still trust You. Though my three years of misery are coming to an end, I will still trust in the next three years ahead!” These are the new giants in my life, I need to accept them for they will make me stronger still.
I’ve prayed only a few times in life that the Lord do whatever it takes to bring my long awaited miracle. The fear and dread of praying that also plagued me. “Do you know what you could be asking for?” “Do you know what Job went through?” “Do you really want to release that question and battle the consequences? Boy you think you got it bad now, well that prayer will make it get 10x’s worse.” These are question I had to face when I finally got to the end of myself pleading with the Lord. Fine, take it all as long as you fulfill Your promise.
I will be honest, I was scared to death but more scared to not pray it. At that particular point in my life, I knew I had no option but to pray this prayer and earnestly await the response. Was the response easy, by no means, but was God glorified through it, absolutely. What Satan intends for evil, God turns around and turns to good. God be glorified!
The battle raged and is still raging, though I feel the presence of not only the Holy Spirit but the Angels surrounding my family with their swords fighting the unseen battle. I feel it and can truly sense the deep dark battle fighting for my life. I know it’s there and it is a continual reminder that God is faithful! God is who He says He is. Though my life may pass me by, I cling to the Father up above as that is the only thing that satisfies and fulfills my soul. Nothing else matters!
My husband and I have both come to the end result that nothing matters. Say it with me “nothing matters.” What a release from bondage and security to truly believe nothing else matters. The King of the universe has conquered evil and reigns on high. Amen. My rain cloud is simply that, a rain cloud. It wont last forever, it sees sunny days and gloomy days and both are okay. God is growing me in the midst of what I call life. Life is anything and everything of what I ever had pictured the past 28 years of my life and I am thankful. Though it may be utterly painful at times, those are the times I see God move and bring me closer to Him.
These next 26 days will be an adventure. I use that word because past circumstances do not simply disappear. They can diminish and eventually the fire will be put out, but through knowing Christ and experiencing our shattered dreams that bring us closer to Him, we still have to go through the trenches while we live in this sinful world. Putting the pieces back together as when Humpty Dumpty fell to the ground and shattered to a million pieces. Who is the one that could perfectly heal Humpty? Christ. And that is right where we need to be; a malleable heart seeking the face of God.
When we begin to scratch the surface of who God is even in the midst of our shattered dreams, we can hold our rain cloud high to the sky and know God is there with us and wants the best for us. We can learn more about ourselves and more about who Christ has made us to be in Him.
I love my family, love my friends, long for fellowship, long to know Christ more and to share Him with the world on a very honest level. But most of all, most of all, I yearn for heaven. I never yearned for heaven as I do now. Not in a way that I’m hating life and suicidal, but in a way that I hate the evil of this world and want to share Christ with everyone and head to heaven holding hands with my family and enter into the real world. The world without pain, tears and sorrow. The world I can share peacefully with my family and truly know and understand what it means to experience unconditional love. A love so pure that even with my own family I have the tiniest glimpse in comparison to heaven. I can’t fathom a love so pure. Having a family is the closest I can get to feeling this accomplishment on this side of heaven.
So friends, my shattered dreams may appear shattered but in all reality they are perfection. God’s perfection. He turns ashes into beauty, literally beauty and I am blessed. Things I never thought could happen in a million years literally has already happened in my 26 days of a miracle. Praise God for His Son and praise God for His faithfulness.